


Thoughts

by kiizamis



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Self-Harm, i was just sad, so i wrote some sad kylo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 21:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5601007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiizamis/pseuds/kiizamis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At night, Kylo's finally alone with his thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> I was sad and rlly wanted some sad Kylo so!!  
> I wrote it really quick so it's really short and shitty sorry;;  
> Also this is a bit different from my regular writing style, I wanted to try out something new since it's the New Year lmao  
> EDIT: I forgot some really key plot things in this, because I'm a dork and I forgot. Oh well

          At night, Kylo sees them; those whom he's killed. Children’s tiny hands reach out, screaming and wailing to be reunited with their parents. Those not separated cling to each other tightly in what they know will be their last embrace. Soot and dirt cling to their tear streaked faces, telling their children it will be alright, everything will be alright. It won't.

          Homes burned to the ground, ashes and smoke wafting through the air. Bodies, civilians and stormtroopers, scattered through the village. The town is filled with screams as Kylo gives the order.

          "Kill them."

          The stormtroopers don't even wait until the end of the countdown, they shoot without remorse. All goes silent, peaceful. Bodies left in piles, mothers’ arms tightly wrapped around children; lovers’ fingers entwined together, even as life leaves their bodies.

          At night, he still sees his fath- Han’s face, all wrinkles and scars and gray hairs. He should not be in this situation, pleading for his son to come home, to come back to his family, leave the dark behind. _Don't make me do this/leave/please/Iloveyoupleaseturnaroundandleave/You are nothing._ Kylo smirks, watching Solo’s confused and hurt face as he plunges the bright red saber into his soft, sagging flesh. It all happens so fast: saber, blood, Rey screaming, screaming, _screaming_. She won't stop, she can't stop. Finn is at a loss for words as he watches a great man die.

          Kylo wakes in a cold sweat, dark curls plastered to his face, bottom lip trembling, tears welling at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over. Kylo is a gross, messy crier. He still feels the warmth of _his_ hand cup his cheek in one last love filled touch.

          That's what Kylo doesn’t understand. How a man could still love his child even after all this time. How he can still look at this monster with love….with _forgiveness_ , after all he’s done. Kylo can’t even remember how many people he’s killed, yet Han still looked at him with such kindness, didn’t yell at him, or try to kill him; he just wanted to help, to understand.

          Kylo’s hand inches down to the healing wound on his torso from Solo’s pet; he lifts his shirt, sinking his fingers into the tender flesh. He winces and the pain brings him back into reality and, if only momentarily, makes him forget about his father. He rips the injury open, warm blood flowing between his shaking fingers, endorphins run through his brain and body. He closes his eyes and focuses on the pain and the slick blood coating his hand and torso. Pain and sadness leaking out with each drop of blood. _This is what I need/This is what I deserve/Do not think too hard/Only focus on the pain you deserve/This is what you get for breaking down/This is what you get for being weak._

          Though the good feeling is short lasting; his eyes open and the pain is no longer pleasurable. He let's out a small hiss and takes his shirt off, applying pressure to the throbbing wound and getting up to rebandage it.

          While he's up, he makes his way to Vader’s disfigured helmet, his most prized possession. He wipes his tears and sweat away, telling himself it will not happen again, and kneels in front of the helmet.

          He struggles to rid his mind of those unwanted thoughts. He prays, pleads that the light in him will disappear. That the last remaining pieces of Ben Solo die. The light makes him regret. Makes him want to take it all back, to bring all those he killed back and ask for their forgiveness. He wants, _needs_ , to be strong, to be filled with the dark. To forget his regrets, to become great, to serve Snoke. “Please, grandfather, show me the way. I’ll do whatever it takes, just please stop these nightmares,” he says to the mask, getting up to crawl back into his small bed.

          He tries to think of all the good that will come once he fully casts away the light in him, but his mind wonders to those he's killed, to those he could've saved. He curls up in the bed like a child, hugging his pillow tightly in search for any sort of comfort, begging for the thoughts to stop. He knows they will never leave.

          At night, Kylo Ren can no longer run from his thoughts, can no longer pretend he’s fine. He hates every moment of it.


End file.
